Don't stress. Just relax.
I understand you can lose keys.
You can lose your wallet. How do you lose a plane?
Reese, what do you want me to do?
We got three out of four planes in. That's a lot of coke.
Now, that's the kind of winning attitude that'll take this enterprise to the top.
In all fairness, Reese, it wasn't his fault.
Are you his attorney? Why are you in the conversation?
Come on, I'm kidding!
- I'm just kidding with you. - He loves to joke.
Terrence here is absolutely right. I mean, hell, three out of four ain't bad.
Let's celebrate. Who wants a beer?
- Great! - Okay.
- Baby! - Coke. It costs money.
Planes. They cost money.
This yacht, this perm, my kid's braces, it all costs money. Do you think Kitty's free?
Kitty, turn around. Turn around!
Reese, please put the gun down.
Now, the next time that a plane goes down, you better be on it.
Will you do my back, please?
- Sure. - I don't wanna tan weird.
- Am I tanning weird? - No.
- Honestly. - You're bronzing.
There's no such thing as a petty crime.
No minor infractions.
There's only the law.
Freeze! Bay City P. D!
That's me in the leather jacket and tight jeans.
See that guy I'm chasing? I hate him.
And I'll do everything in my power to stop him.
Wanna play, let's play.
Because it's my job to stop him.
Goddamn!
And the city pays me a damn good salary to do my job.
Besides, he crossed the line.
And in Bay City, when you cross the line...
... your nuts are mine.
I said, freeze!
My name is David Starsky, and I'm a cop.
I've always had this theory about police work:
If you can't beat them, join them.
No! No! No!
Put the money in there.
Too many cops worry about the wrong thing: Crime.
Not me, though. "I'm looking out for" numero uno.
- Hey, old-timer. Put this on Dallas. - Come on! Let's go!
I'm just a realist, that's all.
And besides, you have any idea how little the city pays us?
Freeze! Bay City P. D!
Take it easy.
Guys, come on. I'm undercover here.
My name is Ken Hutchinson, and I'm a cop.
Where did they come from?
Jesus Christ, Starsky.
You fired three rounds into a crowded intersection.
We got a man with a broken hip...
...and some asshole wants a new top for his Caddy?
That purse had $7 in it.
- Okay, want my badge? Here, take it. - Fine.
Come on. I was just making a point.
David, David.
Your mother was one of the finest cops Bay City ever seen.
Twenty-two years on the force with the same partner.
You have had 12 partners over the past four years.
She died a legend.
I am not my mother!
I'm sorry. Detective Hutchinson is here.
Send him in. Have a seat.
- How you doing, captain? - I believe you two know each other.
Yeah, a little bit. How you doing?
- Yeah, right. - Hutch.
You've got a lot of explaining to do.
I know. Look, I was trying to infiltrate one of the East Side gangs...
...and work my way up to the big fish. It's simple.
- You were robbing a bookie. - That's right.
You've robbed seven bookies.
You haven't filed a report, turned in any money or arrested anybody.
How can I? They'll know I'm a cop.
I wouldn't worry, you won't be mistaken for a real cop.
Oh, really? Why don't you go get yourself another perm and let the grownups talk.
- My hair is naturally curly. - No, it's not.
- Yes, it is. - That's a perm job, all the way.
Touch it!
Hey! Why are you touching him?
Jesus!
You know something?
You two deserve each other.
Make nice. You're partners.
- You're crazy. - No, I'm not.
I don't know why you're so upset.
The guy cost us 200 grand. A "thank you" might be more appropriate.
Who cares about 200 grand? What if they link us to the murder?
- They won't link us to the murder. - You don't know that.
Will you let it go, please? Jesus.
- Take a lude. Calm down. - I did, and I'm still pissed.
Okay, fine. Fine, fine. Look, I'm sorry, all right?
I promise, I'm not gonna kill Terrence again. Now, pull it together.
Let's go.
Gentlemen, I apologize about the delay.
But I promise you what we have is worth the wait.
- It looks like cocaine. - That's because it is cocaine.
With a twist. You see, we've managed to find a way...
...to alter the cell structure of the coca plant...
...giving it a heightened perfluoralkylation process...
...creating a new kind of diazomethane.
Gets a little complicated after that.
Excuse me.
So do you get extra high or what?
Actually, it has all the same effects as regular cocaine.
Well, if it's the same, why are we here?
"Canis familiaris". The German shepherd.
Its nose has over 220 million scent receptors.
It can detect smells that even the most advanced technology in the world cannot.
For example:
Ivan, search!
Ivan, stop!
What do you got? You holding?
He brought old coke.
This is new coke.
As far as a dog's concerned, there's nothing there. 100 percent undetectable cocaine.
Got no coke smell...
...same coke ride.
Tastes kind of sweet.
If this shit wasn't illegal, guys, we'd be up for the Nobel Prize.
Our initial run pumped out two tons of this stuff...
...and it'll be available in about three weeks.
You boys know who to call.
Ivan!
You don't understand.
They're not like you.
They're criminals.
Look, I know we all got to make living.
But these guys, they are dealing hard drugs right in front of my shop.
I can dig what you're saying, Mr. Chowdury.
- I wanna thank you for coming in today. - Of course.
Those gentlemen you speak of, they'll no longer be a problem.
You have my word.
This is my neighborhood. People tend to forget that.
Bee Bee, make sure he gets home safely.
- Yeah, boss. - Thank you very much, Huggy.
You are a great man.
- Begone, little Indian. - Let's go, little man. Come on.
Taking up time.
- This neighborhood is in need of some help. - It's cold-blooded, daddy.
- Who's next? - You got Hutch waiting outside.
- What you got my man waiting outside for? - He brought some extra fuzz with him.
So what? You go get him and get him in here now.
You've never run an errand on the clock before?
I take care of my personal business after work, when the taxpayers aren't paying me.
Give me a break. You've never stopped to buy a cup of coffee?
I bring a Thermos.
Okay, Hutch. He'll see you now.
Wait here, I'll be back in five minutes.
Second door on the right.
- How you doing? - Hi, Hutch.
- Hey, look what the wind blew in. - Huggy Bear.
Hey, I want you to meet my new partner, David Starsky.
Hey, how you doing?
Hey, nobody touches the Bear.
Have a seat.
- Hutch, the usual? - You know it. Make it a double.
Get my boy a Jack and Tab.
- And double that. - You got it, boss.
- I'll get a seltzer with lime, if you got it. - I don't got it.
Or not. It's cool. I'm good.
I just came by to apologize for what happened in Chinatown.
Let me tell you, I was as surprised as you were.
Don't sweat it, baby. I wasn't surprised.
You know I ain't never surprised.
Hey, champ.
You got a permit for that weapon you're carrying?
Starsky, please.
No, I don't.
Yeah, me neither.
I'm sorry, did I say something that was funny?
- Stop it. He's kidding. - No, I'm not kidding.
I wanna see permits or I'm taking those weapons.
Slow up, man. Around here, we govern ourselves.
Think of us like Luxembourg.
- You dig? - No, I don't dig.
See, Luxembourg's a constitutional monarchy...
...a sovereign state established after the Treaty of Vienna.
Technically, it's a part of Europe. But in reality, they govern themselves.
- Like us. - Just like us.
All right, enough, okay?
- Shit! - Hold up! Hold up!
Just chill out! Chill! Watch yourself.
- Oh, no. Hell, no. - You okay?
What happened? Did he shoot Corky?
Your boy shot his tail off.
- He lost his tail? - You should keep it in a terrarium.
- Man, what the hell is a terrarium? - What's a terrarium?
It's an artificial ecosystem designed to simulate Corky's natural habitat.
Well, I can dig that. But I say we shoot him in the ass.
Oh, hell, yeah. An eye for an eye.
Take it easy. Huggy, help me out here.
Slow up, fellas. An iguana can lose his tail and grow it back.
He regenerates. That's how he escapes his predator.
It's true. It's a defense mechanism. I read it in a magazine.
So him shooting Corky's tail off and us shooting him in the ass...
...it really ain't the same thing. - No, the punishment don't fit the crime.
And besides, it was an accident, right?
Right.
- So we're cool. - We're always cool, breeze.
Lower your pieces.
Good morning, Bay City, you are tuned in to KBA Y, 93.3 on your dial.
This next tune is number eight on the charts and number one in our hearts.
Hey, Hutch!
Oh, there he is. What's going on, Willis?
Same old, same old.
So how's life at the clink treating you?
It's not that great.
I got some new tight-ass partner that they stuck me with and then...
I don't know. Hopefully... It's probably not gonna last that long.
- So got that $20 you owe me? - 20?
Willis, I thought it was 5.
Hutch, that was my grandmother's birthday money.
Come on, give me a break, okay? I just told you I got a new partner.
Stuff isn't great for me down at the precinct. You know, back off for a second.
- Can I get it to you on Thursday? - Fine, but no later than Thursday.
No later than Thursday. Word of honor.
Cute little kid.
It's 10:00. You're late. I've been here since 8.
8:00? I didn't know this place opened at 8.
Well, don't sweat it, because crime called in sick. It's gonna get a late start too.
"Crime called in sick," I like that.
- So, what's on the agenda today? - Same as every day.
- Finding bad guys, bringing them down. - Great. Take my car, right there.
- That? - Yeah.
- What the hell is that? - It's like a camper/pickup truck.
- What's the matter? - We're undercover.
- That thing sticks out like a sore thumb. - You think so?
You're in for a treat.
It's not that bad.
Man, your stock just went up in my book, my friend.
Pop the hood. Let's see what you got under...
Hotshot, what do you think you're doing? This is a Ford Gran Torino, okay?
It's not some crappy camper/apartment. There are rules.
- Okay, okay. - You do not bang on the hood.
You never, under any circumstances, drive.
You will not put your coffee mug on the roof. Okay?
No coffee in the car whatsoever. Coffee on the ground, you get in the car, we go.
Attention, all units. We've got a 61-40 at Bay City Marina.
Oh, no.
This is Zebra 3. We're on it. Hang on.
You gotta be kidding me. No way.
- What? - Floater.
Nothing harder to solve than a floater. No prints, body's usually bloated...
...it's next to impossible. All right, I say we push it out...
...hope the current takes it to the next precinct.
- What? - You'll thank me for this one.
- Hey, seriously, stop it. - The key is not to pop it.
- Hey. - You gotta be very ginger.
- What are you doing? - I said, drop the stick.
You point a gun at me? Okay, fine, have it your way.
Knock yourself out.
- What are you gonna solve, anyway? - I'm gonna solve a murder.
Monday, June 3rd. Male Caucasian body, apparently dumped from the Bay Bridge.
Actually, there's no sign of impact, so he was probably just dropped out at sea.
Could you please not talk while I'm recording?
Thank you.
All right, I'm just gonna call in the meat wagon, all right?
Looks like you punched your last ticket, "amigo".
I'm sorry, did you just tough-talk a dead body?
I lost my flow.
- Zebra 3 to base. - "Dispatch. Go ahead, Zebra 3".
We're gonna need a coroner notification. We got a DB down at municipal jetty.
10-4, will inform.
Tell them to bring a body bag and some galoshes. He's a wet one.
Copy that, Starsky.
Found a wallet. Nothing in it.
- Medium-rare, okay? - You got it.
Look at all these cops. You wanna eat here?
It's a great place. Pop's? Come on.
"If you're one of the cops, eat at Pop's."
- Okay, hot stuff. - "Zebra 3."
"2"- "11 in progress, please respond."
- Go for Starsky. - "Hurry, Starsky."
We got two perps holding up a gumball machine on 5th Street.
- Let's go. - A gumball machine?
- Lethal force if necessary!
Very funny, Manetti.
Hey, it's Captain and Tennille.
That means one of you would actually have to make captain.
- Radio's for police business only. - That's true. Why'd they give you one?
- Let's get out of here. - Not that funny.
That Manetti really thinks he's something. But you know what?
- He's not. - Take it easy.
- You think that's funny? - No, no, I mean, you just gotta rise above it.
- What do we got in the wallet? - Not much.
Driver's license, couple receipts. No cash whatsoever.
"Reese Feldman Corporation."
What do you call that?
Terrence Meyers.
That name does sound vaguely familiar.
- Isn't he part of our Nearly There program? - I think he is.
Terrence Meyers. Baby, isn't he the guy dating a Bay City Kitty?
Remember? We were joking about it.
Really? Bay City Kitty. You mean the cheerleaders.
You happen to remember her name?
No, I don't.
- Can I get you boys anything else? - We're good. Thank you so much, honey.
That's my angel. I love her.
A second ago you mentioned the Nearly There Foundation. What is that?
That's a program that we set up to help ex-cons get back on their feet.
Their parole requires them to have a job. The Catch-22...
...is not that many people are excited to hire a felon.
Those poor ex-cons, they can't catch a break.
No, it's a vicious cycle they get caught up in.
- Did you see the article in "The New Times"? - Bet your ass I did. I love that writer.
But I'd be lying if I didn't say that we get some pretty good tax breaks too.
There it is, the kicker.
- Just a perk. - This sly dog here.
- What do you got? - Tickets to our annual fundraiser.
- Be my guests. - No, we can't accept gratuities.
It's against policy.
These don't look like gratuities, they look like tickets. I'd be happy to accept.
Hey, what about Terrence? Is he in some kind of trouble?
He's dead. His body washed up in the marina this morning.
Oh, no.
"Punched his last ticket," as they say.
You know, you try to do all you can for these guys, but it's just never enough, is it?
No, I guess it isn't.
- When was the last time you saw him? - The last place I saw...
This is a nice boat.
- Reese, is this yours? - Actually, that's a yacht.
- I'm sorry, a yacht. - Excuse me, Hutch.
Can we please focus on the investigation?
- Sure. - Thank you.
I could use another one of these.
Right on! That was great, girls! Take five!
- Let's go. - Look alive. Here they come.
We usually don't allow spectators. Even cute ones.
David Starsky, Bay City P.D. My partner, Ken Hutchinson.
- Girls. - They're so cute.
I'm Stacey. That's Holly.
God, I loved your moves out there. Fantastic.
I've never dated a cop before.
My horoscope said I should try new things today.
- Is that right? - You're awful.
So, what brings you around here, officers?
Well, you know, that depends.
Yeah. Either of you two know a Terrence Meyers?
- Oh, yeah, Heather dated him. - Oh, yeah.
The girl over there with the yellow top. But they split up. We haven't seen him.
- Let's go ask Heather some questions. - Thank you.
Be careful with those moves. You could hurt someone.
Oh, that's why we practice.
Actually, I was talking about us.
Where did that come from?
- I would've tried the horoscope line. - No, too obvious.
Hey!
- Wait up. - See what I mean?
- Here's my number. - In case you need us for...
...questioning.
Thank you, ladies.
- Bye. - Bye.
He was always fascinated by all that macho mobster bullshit.
I hope this is okay. I need to make this quick.
- I gotta pick my kid up in 20 minutes. - Oh, yeah, totally.
We were gonna move in together. He promised he'd quit...
...that stuff after he got out.
But then he goes and gets himself killed. He's such an asshole.
I can only imagine what you must be going through. I think that...
Honestly, you know, if I knew what he was up to, I'd be happy to tell you.
But we didn't talk much.
Yeah. So did you?
When did he? Did he? What did?
- So Hutch, do you got any more questions? - Yeah, well, sure. We could...
What's your sign?
Gemini.
What...
- What do you weigh? - What does that have to do with anything?
It has everything to do with anything. Just answer the question, please, ma'am.
Around 115, I guess, give or take a pound or two.
- I wish I could be more helpful. - Stop.
Don't do that. You've been great. I mean, it's terrific. We got what we needed.
Anything else?
- I'm good. - Yeah.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Oh, wait. I don't know if this will be of any help. It's his.
Take it. I don't want it.
Okay. Thank you. Again.
- Things getting any better at work, Hutch? - Actually, work was pretty good today.
- How about you? Anything new? - Nope.
You get a chance to ask that girl out?
I want you to meet my new partner, David Starsky.
Nice to meet you.
Is this the dickweed you were telling me about?
Look, just shake his hand. Come on.
Go on, hop in. Willis.
- Dickweed? - His mom works late on Wednesdays...
...so I kind of look after him.
- You take a kid out on patrol with you? - Yeah, that's what we do, isn't it, Willis?
- Patrol! - Whatever you say, Hutch.
Damn!
- Man, this thing is bad! - Don't encourage him.
Oh, shit.
Starsky, this your ride?
Damn. You just moved up a notch in my book.
That puts you at notch one.
- I like your Lincoln. - It's a '76. It won't be out till next year.
I know people that know people that robbed some people.
So, what do you hear on the street these days?
Dig this. A little bird tells me there's gonna be a big coke deal in Bay City.
- One for the "Guinness Books", so they say. - Interesting.
- Who would this little bird be? - Look, I lay it out for y'all to play it out.
All right. What does that mean?
- Don't worry about it. - Huggy, what can you tell us about this?
This looks like the work of Big Earl.
This boy loves dragons. He makes these with his hands, you know?
There's his name stitched right up under the dragon's belly.
- Big Earl? - Yeah, he sews, but he's one tough mother.
He owns a biker bar about 80 miles east of Route 4.
Biker bar? What goes on down there?
I don't know. Listen to Jim Croce...
...play darts, whatever the hell else you white people do.
Look, fuzz, I gots to buzz. This meeting is adjourned.
- That's it? - That's it.
- He lays it out for us to play it out. - Oh, and by the way, this little meeting?
- It never happened. - What meeting?
"C'est la vie", gentlemen.
- Great new technique where you press hard.
- Hands. What, it's a verbal technique? - No.
Keep your hands on me, I'm teasing.
- What do you got on those cops? - Everything.
- Records, home addresses, credit history. - Nice.
- Starsky and Hutchinson? - They call him Hutch, actually.
I don't have enough on my plate already?
I got a major coke deal, my daughter's bat mitzvah, which is a total nightmare.
- And now these two guys. - You think they're on to us?
They are investigating a murder. That's what cops do. It's why we pay taxes.
You're the worst. You kidding? Will you look at these two guys?
He's cute, the blond.
But I like dark hair.
Maybe we ought to push this whole thing.
- Till things cool off? - Kevin, please, with the worry.
We're moving ahead as scheduled. I'll handle those two clowns.
So tomorrow, I say we check out this biker bar, do a little deep cover.
Sounds good.
Who does your wig work?
- I'm sorry, my what? - Your wig work.
Your undercover work, your disguises.
- You have a wig guy? - Oh, yeah, he's incredible.
Well, if it isn't Sonny and Cher.
- Sonny and Cher. - Sit on it, Manetti.
- Me sit on it? - Yeah, you, sit on it.
Why don't you sit on it, Starsky, how's that sound?
You wish. Because I'm never sitting on it, ever.
That's not what I heard.
- Starsky! - Come on. Come on!
- Jesus! - Stop it!
What the hell is going on? Cool your jets, Starsky!
Everybody, back off!
Including you, Manetti.
I apologize, captain. You're absolutely right.
You know, you're not even worth it, Starsky. And for the record...
...those are hand towels. The big towels are on the top shelf.
Hand towels. What a rod.
Jesus Christ. He's right. Go cover up.
Who are you guys?
My name's Kansas. And this is my little man Toto.
We're Jesters from up in Big Cliff, coming down and check out your place. This it?
Is this your place?
- Yeah. - Nice.
Tell me, if you two are Jesters, what's our credo?
Credo.
Well...
You almost got me there. There's no credo.
Other than the secret credo.
It ain't no secret. It's written right on our damn crest.
A trick question? If it's printed on the crest, you don't give it as a test.
Anybody can read the crest. That wouldn't prove we're Jesters. Not cool.
- That's a fake mustache. - Oh, really?
Well, I wonder if you think this is fake.
- Now, we got some questions! - I don't gotta give you nothing, cop!
Wrong! First, you've gotta give me a little respect.
Second, you're gonna give me some answers, "comprende, muchacho"?
- I like your style. - I like your moves.
Now, where were we?
You were gonna tell us about Terrence Meyers.
Who's Terrence Meyers?
- Wrong answer, Big Earl. - Big Earl? I'm not Big Earl.
- I'm Jeff. - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- Jeff? - No one's who they say they are.
Look.
Honest, think about it. I'm not even big.
Yeah. No, that's a good point.
Maybe it's an ironic name, like Tiny over in Vice. He's, like, 8 feet tall.
- Everybody says he's tiny... - I know, except this guy's normal size.
He'd have to be a lot smaller for a name like Big Earl to be ironic.
You don't have to be a midget. You're not exactly...
- How tall are you? - I don't know, 5'9"?
- Well, that is kind of... Basically... - Borderline. It's average.
Look. Big Earl got pinched two weeks ago. He's in Bay City Correctional.
I took over the bar till he gets out.
Jeff, I'm sorry. We apologize.
We're gonna pay Big Earl a visit.
Let me get this for you. There you go. Good as new.
A word of advice: Next time you watch a place...
...don't claim you own it because you watch it.
I housesit for my sister all the time, it's not like I claim that I own her house.
That goes for all y'all.
Don't pretend to be something you're not.
Just be who you are.
That's what's really cool.
How did you get in? Visiting hours are over.
Special treatment.
We got some questions about Terrence Meyers.
- Terrence Meyers? - Yeah.
You made this jacket for him?
Gee whiz, I don't seem to know anyone by that name at all.
Hard customer.
Offer him a radio or some bullshit.
Maybe we can make your stay a little more comfortable.
- Nice transistor radio for your cell? - No.
- How about a TV? - I tell you what.
I do like your blonde friend, here.
Let me see your bellybutton.
No. What... Let's go. Come on.
- No, listen. - No, no! I'm not...
Hold on. He's obviously a freak.
Just show him a little skin. Show him your stomach.
Nobody's here. Come on.
- Are we cool? - Yes, we're cool.
Oh, eureka. God, that's nice.
It's like a little bowl of oatmeal with a hole in it.
- I got one too. - Oh, come on.
I just got a little more brown sugar on mine.
Did you say "Terrence Meyers"?
Yeah, I think I did make that jacket. We might have pulled a job together.
What job? Who were you working for?
Stand up. Walk to the back and do a spin for me.
Wait a second. I just showed you my stomach...
Come on, a deal's a deal, Earl.
Fine, then this conversation is over.
Wait. Wait.
- Hold it. Come on. Wait. - "I can't hear you."
Get up.
- Tell him to take his jacket off. - Take your jacket off.
- Slow spin. - He says to do a slow spin.
Tell him to arch his back and then look back at me, mean.
Like a dragon.
He says to arch your back and look back at him, mean, like a dragon.
But keep it mean.
Tell him great job. He can sit down.
You're a very convincing dragon. You should feel good about that.
Just get this over with.
Okay, here's the deal.
Terrence and I worked as extra muscle for a couple of dealers.
I'd like to tell you who, but I don't know.
I never got a name, I never got a face.
But I do know one thing:
They paid us in coke. I was pretty pissed at the time.
I was hoping to get cash. I'm no coke dealer.
Right, so where's the coke?
If we find that coke, we can probably trace it.
Fine. Fine.
Look, I like you guys, okay?
Especially you. Okay? Don't feel bad about that.
But I like you guys, so I'll tell you.
But...
But first I need to see something, okay?
And it's gonna involve both of you.
I'm not gonna lie to you.
It's gonna get weird.
Two dragons.
Ready? Both of you, take your shirts off.
But do it slow.
I guess it's supposed to rain later tonight.
Yeah, that's what I heard.
- Look, you know, what happened... - Can we please not talk about this, Hutch?
We got the coke. Let's not ever talk about it.
You're right. That's a good policy.
We got what we came for.
- You think dragons ever... - Stop, I don't want to talk about it!
What the hell is wrong with you two?
- Come on, what are you? - You have brought disgrace...
...on everyone who's ever worn a uniform.
My God.
- We didn't know there was a camera. - Cap, we're sorry.
At least we got the stash.
There's gotta be 30 grams of coke here, minimum.
This could lead us to the dealers that iced Terrence Meyers.
It's evidence. We can print the bag, run forensics.
We did. We got nothing.
What we got is a bag of artificial sweetener.
What are you talking about?
My granny wouldn't think this was coke.
Come on, that's impossible. We got the stuff from Big Earl.
- I'm taking you two off this floater. - What?
- I'm giving it to Manetti. - Manetti? Oh, come on, cap!
- Manetti's the worst cop on the force! - Starsky. Stop.
Go on, sit down. Come on.
Look, captain, we're sorry, but come on. You can't take us off this.
I just did. Now, leave.
And take your bag of artificial sweetener with you.
- Kicking the chair was a nice touch. - Yeah, too bad it didn't work.
He'll get over it.
What I can't figure out is why Earl got paid with bunk cocaine.
Now we've got two leads.
- We do? - Stacey and Holly.
- Those two cheerleaders? - No, no, those two witnesses.
They met Terrence.
Let's take them out, see what we can learn.
I mean, is it our fault that they also happen to be a couple of hot foxes?
Reese, I couldn't help myself. They were cops.
- They were just too macho. - "Macho?"
- "It's simple. You should have lied." - I did. I lied about you.
I didn't tell them anything.
But I had to give them something. They were so pure.
You're lucky you're in the joint. Do you understand me?
- Look at the bright side. - "Bright side?"
It's the ultimate test. The coke was in the police station.
They cleared it. You should be happy.
Well, guess what? I'm not happy.
I'm not happy at all about it, Earl!
Don't shush me! Don't tell me to calm down!
- Understand? - What are you wearing? Quick.
What am I wearing?
Silk flowered shirt and a vest. Why?
That's gorgeous.
- You sick son of a bitch. - Don't hang up. Don't hang up!
God. Some people.
I'm not gonna be able to fit in my uniform tomorrow.
Is that a good or bad thing?
Is this the way you two always treat witnesses?
Well, that depends. If it's a misdemeanor, we've been known to skip the fondue...
...and move right to foot massages. Let me see.
Watch out! Wait a minute, I think that's police brutality.
- Anybody for some coffee? - No, thanks.
Okay, one for "le chef."
Wow. This place is great.
It serves my needs. It's cozy. Homey.
- Can you help me find the sugar? - It's there.
Hutch, help me find the sugar.
- Okay. Pardon me. - Okay.
- How we doing? - Great.
- Your fondue put us over the top. - Really?
Which one do you like? We're gonna stick to this.
- I have a thing for blondes. - Good. I'll take anything.
They're sweet little angels.
In two minutes, I want you to grab my guitar...
...bring it to me, put it in my hands and step back.
- You play? - Just bring me the guitar.
Wait. Hey, hey, where's the sugar?
I don't think I have any.
- That's great. He's a cop. - Come here.
- Both of you. - You're so funny.
It's like a magpie convention in here.
Let's get the cup out.
Thank you, Big Earl.
Do you ever get scared out there, on the streets?
Yeah. I'd like to say no, but the truth is, I do sometimes.
I'm one of those guys that's more about helping others than helping myself.
- There we go. - It's all I knew.
It's more that there's someone I might not be able to help.
A citizen that needs aid, or even an animal.
- Look what I found. - Put that away. Put it away!
Hutch, you gotta play. Come on. Play, play. Please.
Don't you wanna play? Come on. Hutch!
All right. Holly, turn off the music.
- Now, come on! - Oh, sorry.
Look alive. Let's go.
- Hutch is gonna play. - What have you gotten me into, Starsky?
- Thought we were partners. - Come on, Hutch!
One, two, three.
- That was great, Hutch! - Come on, you guys.
It was just a guy here with a guitar, singing his heart out.
Starsky's bored.
- Anybody else bored? - What?
- A club could be fun. - Club. Yeah.
Okay, I'll get some more coffee and then we'll go.
Is he okay?
Isn't this place great?
Do you like places like this?
You're a cheerleader, so you're dancing in formation.
This place can't be fun, because it's like you're at work.
Are you okay? You seem kind of wound up.
Wound up? No, I'm just pumped. I'm excited.
Rock-solid, ready to go. A little bit paranoid, but feeling really good.
- Can I kiss you? - Okay.
- Watch it, man. - Excuse me?
I said, watch it. Floor's for dancing. You can tell by the lights.
- Wanna tangle, curly? - Come on. No.
- No, we're gonna dance. - No, no, no.
Curly wants to tangle.
- Do you really want a piece of this? - I don't want a piece.
I want the whole thing.
Yeah!
- Oh, my, folks! - Please don't do this.
- Don't worry. I can take him. - It's not that.
You shouldn't do this because it's so lame.
Tonight, our own Dancing Rick is being called out...
...by new guy David Stamsky. - No, no, Starsky.
Back at you. If you've got a pair of sunglasses...
...I'd put them on, because I got a feeling these two are gonna light it up!
Boz, reel it in!
All right, settle down. Everybody settle.
You know the rules. Keep it safe, keep it sexy...
...and above all, turn up the night!
Dancing Rick getting warmed up here.
What's he gonna bring out for the appetizer course?
Oh, it's a little hand-over-hand tuggle, man, right into the center of the floor.
That's all he's giving him.
That's a bucketful of confidence.
Over to new guy David Starsky.
This guy could be trouble.
It's the Wild West. Those are six-guns full of sexy.
The good, the bad and the groovy.
One, two, three, four, we've got disco war, folks.
Dancing Rick's going, "I don't like you, but I respect your moves."
Here comes Starsky again.
Driving that disco big rig. Shift gears, blow your funky horn.
Pull into the truck stop and get yourself some scrapple made out of sexy.
Disco Rick brings it right back and he's not wasting any time, folks.
From the future of 1984, that's a funky disco robot.
They're both on the floor, folks, eye to eye. It's disco Vietnam.
Neither one's blinking or backing down.
Let's see what happens.
Angry cat. Kitten has claws.
All right, looks like it's over. Remember, $2 Harvey Wall...
Oh, my God! David Starsky, taking it over the line!
How about that? Very sexy, very macho.
But that's a little too close to call.
We'll have to depend on our patented American Lights Applause-O-Meter.
So let's bring out our combatants, folks. Come on, big hand for them.
Here we go.
First off, over to my man, Dancing Rick.
And over to the new guy, David Starsky.
Folks, pretty close. I hate to do this...
...but I gotta give it to my man Dancing Rick.
Boo! Boo!
What? Hey, hey, do it again! That's B.S.
- What? - I won. Do the applause thing again!
It was just for fun. Forget it...
- I said, do it again, liar! - Not cool, not cool!
- Liar! Do it again! - All right.
Hey, hey, settle down. Settle down.
I'm a cop. It's cool.
It's okay.
It's okay, it's okay! Calm down, people.
Bay City P.D. We got him.
We're gonna get you home.
- Where am I? - You were freaking out.
- I had to take you down. - What?
There we go.
Easy does it.
Here we go.
I think I was drugged.
Sounds like you did coke.
I mean, from what I've read about the effects.
I don't use coke. I had coffee tonight.
- What is that? - Sweetener, right?
The stuff from Earl? What are you doing with this?
- Hutch? - Where'd you get this?
- I beat that guy. What was that about? - You did.
- You won. You danced your heart out. - And everybody saw it.
- Sleep. - I was robbed.
I know. We was robbed. We was robbed.
Go to sleep.
Go to sleep, tiny dancer. All right.
Jesus Christ.
- Is he okay? - Oh, yeah, he's okay.
He just needs to sleep it off.
Quite a night, huh?
You can say that again.
Guess it's kind of winding down.
- Well, it doesn't have to be over. - What do you mean?